So this to me is a heartbreaking post to write, but also a joyous one. It's an experience that has not been easy, but I have seen my Heavenly Father's love for me through it all.
It took Eric and I a long while to decide if we wanted to have any more children or if we felt like we were complete. There was much prayer and fasting and temple attendance. I felt good about having another child, Eric took longer to know. But one day during church just out of the blue Eric had the distinct impression that there was one more child for us. So we started trying and I got pregnant right away. I've always waited until my first doctor appointment/ultrasound to tell anyone but Eric that I'm pregnant and this time wasn't any different. I felt sick and threw up a lot and was plenty tired and my breasts hurt, all the typical 1st trimester symptoms. It was really hard for me not to tell my children and I almost decided not to wait a few times. I wrote cute little notes from the baby to give to each girl and planned a scavenger hunt for the girls to find the notes and was planning on putting the first ultrasound picture there for them to find. About a week before my scheduled 12 week ultrasound I had some light spotting. They always tell you that this can be very normal and not to worry. I never had this happen in any of my previous pregnancies so I did worry, but tried not to. Then on Friday I had a miscarriage. This was in September of 2017. I was home and so was the rest of my family. I tried locking myself in the bathroom but my children kept unlocking it and coming in, probably because I was crying uncontrollably. I called the after hours number and they told me that it was most likely a miscarriage, but to keep my scheduled doctor appointment for Monday. I had Eric go to the store and pick up some feminine hygiene items (I didn't have any around because hello I was pregnant) he didn't want to, but living in a small town I was bound to see someone at the store and just couldn't face that at the moment, so he went for me. Sure enough Eric ran into some people we knew. I don't think Eric knew what to say or do, I know I didn't know what to say or do. It's hard to describe how awful it felt and still does, but it was extremely heartbreaking. I went to my doctor's appointment that Monday with a heavy heart but hoping for a miracle (you read online about people who bled so much and were sure they lost their baby but didn't) but the ultrasound confirmed that I indeed lost my baby. This is a very common thing for women to have a miscarriage within the 1st trimester and the doctor encouraged us to not be discouraged and if we wanted to try again that he felt that would be an okay decision. Eric was with me the whole time and was comforting, he admitted that he was sad, but probably not on the same level as me. I went straight to my mom after that appointment and told her what happened and cried some more. I'm so glad that I had my mother to be a comfort to me, even though she has never experienced this personally I really appreciated her listening hear and comforting hugs. That night instead of having the girls go on a scavenger hunt we explained why I had been crying for the past few days. They had lots of questions which weren't hard questions, but everything was still so raw that it was hard for me to answer. I love my girls and was glad that they were caring and understanding.
We waited the appropriate time, time for my body to heal and also my emotions a bit, and we tried again. Again I got pregnant right away. I really wanted to tell others sooner, but also didn't because what if it happened again. I didn't want to have to tell others that. I was even sicker this time around, hardly went a night that I tried brushing my teeth and had to throw up. I was 3 days away from my first 12 week ultrasound appointment when I experienced my second miscarriage. This was in January of 2018 As soon as the bleeding started happening I messaged my mom to pray for me because it was happening again. I prayed all day for a miracle that day. I figured it would be like last time if it was happening again so I had several days before anything would happen and I had my doctor appointment in days. I was home, but alone this time. The girls were asleep and Eric was cleaning the temple. There was no doubt in my mind that I lost my baby. It wasn't any less painful the second time around. I went to the doctor that Monday and was told that yes indeed I lost my baby. I have no medical history that would be a concern for causing these miscarriages, I'm actually very healthy. I'm not even at the age yet that the chance of miscarriage goes up. So the doctor again encouraged us to not be discouraged. I was discouraged. I kept wondering if these two little babies had gotten their spirits yet or not? Were we suppose to try again because that child we felt like we were suppose to have was still waiting or had we had that child already and just had to wait to meet her/him? I just didn't know and had no impressions that help me feel peace about this. Eric wanted to be done and I was right there on the same page as him. I didn't think I could handle going through this ever again, my heart just couldn't take it. I talked with my mom and she gave me a suggestion that I hadn't thought of before. There was something I could try that might make having a baby possible. Doctors had nothing to offer as help, but there was a homeopathic path that gave me options. I started to change my mind I thought we should try one more time. It was important to me that Eric felt the same way and wanted to try. He was more concerned for me and not wanting me to go through this again, but I suggested that maybe this was the trial of faith, to trust enough in the prompting that he received to keep trying even though it was extremely hard. He decided that we should try again. So I started going to Sharon, a homeopathic person who adjusted my uterus (she said it was slightly tilted) and did ozone treatments (it's like a sauna) to reduce inflammation.
After waiting the appropriate time again we tried again and I got pregnant right away. (It's a good thing I was not a promiscuous teen, otherwise I would've been a teen mom) I told my mom the moment I finished telling Eric and asked for daily prayers that this time would be the time. I was paranoid and worried all the time. I really tried not to be, but I was. I still did not tell the girls. I never told them about the last baby. I was again sick most of the time. I would say this time was the most I've ever thrown up with a pregnancy. I went to the nurse consult that they have you go to between 7-9 weeks along and they said I could get an early ultrasound. I jumped at that. One of the biggest things that got me down was never had seen or heard the babies before I lost them. Eric thought it might be harder to hear a heartbeat and then lose the baby, but I felt the complete opposite. I got an early ultrasound and I got to see my little tiny baby and hear a strong heartbeat. I was so happy, but it didn't change any chances I had that I could lose this child too. I was still worried but kept on living my life. My calling is in the YW and I was in charge of putting together a beehive camp since the older girls were going on trek with the stake this year. Right around the time the camp out was scheduled was my 12 week mark. The time I lost my previous pregnancies. This stressed me out and I wondered if I should tell the other ladies in the YW my worries. I know they would have been supportive, but also might have insisted that I not go. We had 2 leader released, 1 leader move, and 1 leader that did announce that she was expecting (2 weeks ahead of me), but she has high risk pregnancies and wouldn't be able to go to the camp. That left 3 of us, then 1 more leader ended up not going to be able to come. so it was just me (who planned everything) and the YW president who would be able to go. I didn't say anything, just put my trust in the Lord. I went to camp and besides throwing up because of morning sickness everything went well. I made it to my 12 week ultrasound without any bleeding happening. I got to see and hear my baby again! When the baby was measured I was only measuring 11 weeks instead of 12 so he changed my due date and gave me a whole week to worry if I was ever going to make it out of the 1st trimester with a baby. Daily and nightly prayers got me through and I made it past the 12 week mark. Although I know a miscarriage can happen at any part of the pregnancy to make it past this milestone was huge for me. I decided to tell my girls. They were so excited and it brought up questions again about my first miscarriage and I told them about the second one and that there was always a chance we could lose this baby too, but not a big one and that we just need to put our trust in the Lord and pray. Not too long after we told the girls we announced to our families that we were expecting. I did it on the 4th of July. It was a little hard on the girls to not spill the beans and wait for me to wear my shirt and wait for people to just notice but they did. I started letting everyone know after that.
This is the 20 week ultrasound where we found out we were having another girl! I was actually hoping for a girl, but was shocked that I was.
The girls have been dying to know if they were going to have a baby brother or sister. The vote was 50/50. Lily actually knew before her sisters because she was there at that ultrasound. So was my mom which was a neat experience, that was her first ultrasound. They took a bite of the cake pop and saw the pink. All were happy, even those that were hoping for a boy. I took the rest of the cake pops to YW that night and let the word fly.
This picture is from October but I am now 35 1/2 weeks along. I have prayed every morning and night with a thankful heart that I am still pregnant and that I can continue to carry a healthy child. Prayer is amazing. Even though I feel miserable and I can't get any sleep I'm so thankful that I have this chance to bring this little girl into the world. I feel like I've been pregnant for close to 2 years now. I still think about those other babies and wonder if they received their bodies or not, but it's not something I focus on or worry about. It will all work out in the end, I'm just going to practice patience. But I did especially think about them when their due dates came around. I'm sure I went through those trials for a reason and hope that I do with this experience as the Lord is wanting me to. Now it's just a waiting game to see when this little one (nicknamed Sniffers) is going to come and join our family. I also just want to mention that I've been grateful for Eric and my family's support and kind words during all of this. It definitely helps to have support.
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